June 18th, 2009 at 05:00am Under Doctor Jokes
“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?”
“How old are you now?”
“Forty.”
“Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?”
“No. I don’t drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven’t any vices.”
“Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?”
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:58am Under Funny Jokes
Father: “Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girlfriend of yours robbed you of every cent you had.”
Son: “Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever.”
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:57am Under Funny Jokes
The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.
“How much is that?” he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.
“Holy pig’s feet!” the magnate spluttered. “For that money, I can buy live hogs and——”
His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:
“Don’t talk shop.”
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:56am Under Funny Jokes
“Tell me, does your husband snore?”
“Oh, yes, indeed—so delightfully.”
“What?”
“Yes, really—he’s so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only snores operatic bits, mostly Aida.”
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:48am Under Funny Jokes
The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic—all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and cried:
“John Henry, are you out there?”
An answer came clearly:
“No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?”
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:47am Under Funny Jokes
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
“Who are you?”
“I am Enoch, the egg king.”
“What is your specialty?”
“I eat three dozen hen’s eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose eggs, at a single setting.”
“Do you know our program?”
“What is it?”
“We give four shows every day.”
“Oh, yes, I understand that.”
“And do you think you can do it?”
“I know I can.”
“On Saturdays we give six shows.”
“All right.”
“On holidays we usually give a performance every hour.”
And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:47am Under Animal Jokes
“Yes, ma’am,” the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, “I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg.”
“Merciful providence!” his hearer gasped. “And what did you do?”
“Let ‘im ‘ave the leg, o’ course, ma’am. I never argues with sharks.”
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:47am Under Funny Jokes
An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a remark:
“Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote.”
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:39am Under Funny Jokes
The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman which he had seen in an art museum abroad.
“And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But,” he added, with a tone of disgust, “those foreigners don’t know how to spell. The name of the statue was Posish’—and it was some posish, believe me! and the dumb fools spelt it—’Psyche!’”
Note: posish is used to refer to one’s favorite position during sexual intercourse.
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June 18th, 2009 at 04:35am Under Funny Jokes
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked:
“I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth.”
“Who’s Wordsworth?” demanded the actor.
“Why, that’s his picture,” was the answer, as the friend pointed. “That’s Wordsworth, the poet.”
The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.
“Is that old file a poet?” he exclaimed in astonishment. “I got him for a study in wrinkles.”
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